Rachel Slager, Potty Dance

The thing you gotta understand about my mom is that even if she sneezes too hard, she pees her pants. Or someone will make her laugh then all of a sudden she's crossing her legs, still laughing, saying "Piss and shit, I'm gonna pee." She'll be standing by the stove cooking dinner and need to go, and even though she knows her bladder doesn't seem to work too good, she does the potty dance trying to hold it in while the chicken browns.

You've seen the potty dance. A little kid on the playground will be holding their crotch, knees together, and bounce around. An adult will ask if they need to use the bathroom, but they shake their head NO 'cus it's almost their turn on the slide. Then suddenly their crying and a dark circle of piss forms on the front of their jeans and the adult thinks that now they'll learn their lesson about holding it. But then at Christmas when they're in the longest line to sit on Santa's lap, they're dancing around again since pissing isn’t as important as telling the guy in red all the gifts they want.

The other thing to know is that mom is a children's librarian, so she reads like a hundred fifty books a month. She doesn't have a car, so when she walks home from work she carries multiple canvas bags loaded with kids books. She's a big lady, wide and tall, wears puffy coats made for men and intended for camping and fishing. She's not so concerned about brushing her hair, so she walks down the highway she lives on in this ugly coat and crazy hair and bags everywhere like a sort of homeless lady. So I guess it's no surprise no one thought to stop and help her the day she fell.

So she's a few blocks from home this day, bags and all, right? And I forgot to mention what a klutz she is, too. So she trips over her own feet and lands on her hands, weighted down by the bags, and of course, piss is running down her legs, and on her skirt, and into her orthopedic shoes, the discomfort of which makes her start crying. And all these cars see the crazy bag lady on the ground, covered in piss and bawling, and they figure it's better if they don't stop.

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The thing you gotta understand about my mom is that even if she sneezes too hard, she pees her pants. Or someone will make her laugh then all of a sudden she's crossing her legs, still laughing, saying "Piss and shit, I'm gonna pee." She'll be standing by the stove cooking dinner and need to go, and even though she knows her bladder doesn't seem to work too good, she does the potty dance trying to hold it in while the chicken browns... Read More.

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